Seeking one soulmate—without whom, according to popular belief, one should never need anybody else—is what everyone should aim for. Many others think that, at least initially, a person should only have one romantic partner. However, some people choose to have multiple partners because they don’t believe that one person can provide all of their demands in a relationship.
Polyamory, or consensual nonmonogamy, is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual or just romantic, with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamory is generally not gender-specific; anyone can have multiple partners of any gender.
At least one in five Americans has had a consensually nonmonogamous relationship at some point in their lives, and about one in 20 is in one right now. A growing body of research shows that partners in such relationships find their bonds to be just as satisfying and fulfilling as those of married people, and derive just as much happiness from them. But there are serious challenges as well: Polyamorous relationships demand openness, consent, trust, communication skills, clear boundaries, and mutual respect. Feelings of jealousy may arise, especially when a new partner joins the relationship, and debates over how to raise children can also disrupt connections.
What Is Polyamory?
Polyamory is distinct from other forms of open relationships, such as swinging—which involves couples having casual sex outside of the relationship, without any emotional attachment. It is often confused with polygamy, or being married to more than one person at the same time, but they are very different. Polygamy specifically involves marriage to multiple people of the opposite gender — most frequently, a man having multiple wives — while polyamory, although it often involves married partners, describes a wider range of relationships, both heterosexual and LBGT.
Due to the stigma that it often attracts, polyamory is often practiced privately and may be kept secret even from close friends and family. At least one in four polyamorous individuals have experienced discrimination, according to the non-profit organization Loving More.
How Does Polyamory Work?
Some polyamorous people have a primary relationship and engage in casual hookups, but most begin secondary relationships with the consent of their primary partner, to whom they are generally married or committed. Introducing a secondary partner requires the primary couple to agree on a set of stipulations, such as date times and the type of intimacy allowed. Research has found that, despite the complications, polyamory offers benefits ranging from greater satisfaction and extra help with child care to increased relationship commitment.
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The Benefits and Struggles of Polyamory
Studies on polyamorous partners reveal that they are, on average, at least as content with their relationships as other couples, which may explain why polyamorous partnerships are less frequent than others—not that people find them unpleasant. In fact, interest in polyamory is growing. Yet creating and sustaining a polyamorous relationship is extremely difficult. A mismatched desire for polyamory can upend many relationships, particularly when one partner views it as a lifestyle and the other as their sexual orientation. It can also be challenging to find a partner willing to enter a relationship with the same honesty and ground rules, particularly in a culture that encourages serial monogamy. This leads to the emergence of communities, usually online at first, where “poly” people can meet.
